Knowing this Can Help You Get Over Your Ex

There's a psychological reason why we're obsessed with certain friends or people we've dated. I'm not talking about energy alignment, soulmates, or soul contracts; but it does have to do with your personal evolution.

There were these two married psychologists that came out with a few books in the 1970s, named Hal and Sidra Stone. They gave such a good explanation for why we are so strongly drawn to specific people. Their ideas explain why we get infatuated people that we seemingly didn't even choose. They even explain why we dislike certain people or see them as enemies.

Once I explain their philosophy, you're literally going to wonder why you've never realized this before, because it makes so much sense. You're going to see yourself and all of your relationships in a whole new way.

There are two psychological concepts that you might not have heard of, so I want to go over those first because it makes understanding this philosophy a little easier; the persona and the self.

We each have a persona that we use to present ourselves in the world. It's how we want to be seen by others. This part of ourselves is created early in life. It's based on our unique family upbringing and societal expectations. Another word for the persona is the ego. In psychology, these words are used interchangeably.

The ego gets a bad rep, but it's not a bad thing. The ego gives us protection and survival tools. We need it to help us in our early lives because when we're young, we're vulnerable.

If you grew up in a home with authoritative parents that didn't tolerate a lot of playfulness, you probably developed a serious persona. If you grew up in a religious home that didn't tolerate any kind of sexual expression, you'd probably take on a modest persona.

Then again, there are those of us that choose to rebel against our parents ways at an early age, and you might have wanted to be perceived as the complete opposite of your parents.

This is where spirituality crosses into psychology. The fact that not all children turn out the same way with the same upbringing is evidence that we are born already having unique temperaments and sensibilities. Even identical twins with the same DNA brought up in the same home will have completely different personas.

The cool thing is, doctors Hal and Sidra were spiritual people. They felt like the things that make up who we are as individual people, might have something to do with our soul and astrology.

Our ego is a part of who we are, but it doesn't represent who we really are deep down. Carl Jung uses the term the "self" to describe the unique essence underneath the persona. Some might call it the soul, or the inner child.

The inner child is the individuality we experience for a short time as small child before forming our persona based on our environment. If you look back, you might remember having different traits and interests when you were really young. Most of us have had to bury these traits because they were seen as naïve, worthless or unrealistic.

When we become adults, we have the freedom to be any way we want to be. On an unconscious level, we all want to get back to our inner child. We want to figure out what it is that makes us happy and what brings us joy; so we go searching.

Usually we make friends with people that share similar perspectives on life. But if you notice, every friend has at least one strength where we are weak.

If you have a hard time letting loose, one of your good friends is probably fun and risk-taking. If you're extroverted, you probably have a good friend that's more introverted.

This is because we are attracted to people that carry the traits we have disowned in ourselves.

We have a natural curiosity for what it's like to be a different way, it makes us intrigued and delighted with our friends. It's almost like mother nature created a way to force us to re-examine our persona; to think about if it's really the right way to be, or if we even still need it as an adult.

But not everyone we meet with opposite traits becomes our friend. If someone has traits that we strongly despise, we're repelled. We pass judgement on them. They could even become an enemy. People like this still teach us something about ourselves. Let me give you an example.

A modest woman sees a lady dressed in revealing clothing and thinks she's totally inappropriate. She feels digusted and judges her. The existence of this provocative woman has brought to light that she has disowned a part of herself that is comfortable with sexuality; or maybe, she has lost a part of herself that is comfortable with self-expression.

The fact that she is so polarized means that she's identifying with her persona or ego. If she wanted to figure out her true expression, eventually she'd need to ask herself why certain people trigger her to have bad feelings and judgments. When you start to do this, you dismantle the ego using awareness. Being present with yourself brings you closer identifying with your inner self.

The people that we are most attracted to in a romantically are people that carry a perfect constellation of traits to be an exact mirror of our persona. In other words, their ego is completely opposite from our ego. If you think about your previous love interests, you can probably make a whole list of their traits that are completely opposite from yours. It's not that one of you is good while the other is bad, it's just that both of you have polarized beliefs.

For example, if a person is spontaneous, extroverted, spiritual, empathetic, and artistic; most likely they'll end up falling for someone that is methodical, introverted, religious, detached, and logical. It's not who either of them would choose as their partner. In a way, we don't choose our partners. Falling in love requires perfect chemistry. There's a famous saying, opposites attract, and it's true.

There's something magnetic about meeting someone that is so very different from you in their behaviors. It's both unnerving and fascinating at the same time. We experience a combination of curiosity of the unknown and excitement for the new. Through our partners, we get to see the world through a new lens.

When you partner with your complete opposite, you learn from each other. Your traits that were once extremely polarized become not so important anymore. We let down our guards, which makes our ego melt away. We begin to feel our true potential and it almost feels like you're a little kid again, and anything seems possible.

This is how love can help us to grow; but unfortunately it doesn't always happen this way. If one or both of the partners can't separate from their ego, then over time, they will begin to try to change each other. The relationship will become co-dependent. One or both of the partners start to think that their way is the best way to be. At this point the relationship becomes toxic and ends in separation or heartbreak.

As they say, there's a thin line between love and hate. Our romantic partners can easily become our enemies because they already carry the traits that we normally find "bad". I think it's interesting that Buddha says, "Your worst enemy is your best teacher".

After heartbreak, we date again until we find another person with the same set of opposite traits. The more we get to know our new partner, we begin to notice similarities in this relationship from the previous relationship. If the same cycle is repeated, we'll start saying "all men" or "all women" are the same. This is because until we stop identifying with our ego, we'll continue to be attracted to people with the same exact traits as our ex-partners.

If you've fallen in love with someone and it didn't work out, but you can't seem to let them go, it's probably because they were your mirror. Knowing this, you can rest assured that you didn't miss out on a once in a lifetime chance with your soulmate or twin flame. You only met someone that helped you to peek behind the curtain of your ego, and that's why it's so hard to get over. Few things in life can be that moving to help us to see our real potential. It's hard to forget how they once made you feel like you could accomplish your wildest dreams.

You can work on reaching this feeling without a partner. It takes more inner strength without the love of someone else; but your inner child needs your love and care. Self love isn't about loving yourself as you are, but falling in love with your potential.

It's easier said than done to get over someone you really loved. I've noticed, from my experience, can help to reflect on your past partner's traits that were so opposite from your own; then, think about how you can be a little more like them so that you can become a little more balanced. I'm not saying to take on their bad traits, simply their opposite traits.

Doctor Hal and Sidra say that a common pairing that they have seen is where one partner is very "personal" while the other is very "impersonal". This means one partner is open and empathic while the other is more detached and cold. It might seem better to be more personal, but there are times in life when it's not always helpful to be this way.

If you're too empathic, it could make you miserable at work if every time someone around you gets upset, you get upset because you can't close yourself off from their energy. Sometimes we have to be more impersonal, like if someone is asking for our help but we know it will put us in a bad place. We have to be able to say no and not feel bad about it.

There's actually an exercise you can do to help you realize which traits you might be overly-identifying with, called "Making Peace with Your Villagers". To do this exercise, you write down five people with traits that you find despicable. Under each of their names, write down what it is that you dislike about them; then, try to narrow this description down to one word. These are the traits that you've disowned in yourself. Think about how you can integrate them to become more balanced.

The good thing about doing this work, is the next time you do meet someone you're attracted to, it will be someone that is also more in touch with their authentic self.

Every significant person in our lives has something to teach us about our persona. Being open to this idea can help put you on the middle path to awareness, becoming more present with yourself. When we are present, we come closer to being able to embody our authentic selves.