How to Fix a Low Social Battery

You may have this very common issue if you're easily exhausted in social situations, or if you feel like you need to drink just to socialize. It's not being an introvert; and the good news is, there's something you can do about it.

What I'm about to describe is not esoteric in nature. It is widely acknowledged in clinical and psychiatric circles as a cause of social exhaustion.

You have been binded.

You were binded from being able to express the full range of your emotions in the presence of people. Somewhere along the way, someone shamed you for behavior that they found triggering. You were then forced to create a false self, and now you unconsciously use this false self every single time you're in the presence of another person.

Being binded by shame is also known as carrying toxic shame. The term "Toxic Shame" was coined by psychologist Dr. John Bradshaw in 1988. People that carry toxic shame are people that are consistently exhausted, especially after interacting with others.

Toxic shame comes from being raised in a very restrictive home with little to no validation of your feelings from your caregivers. You don't have to be directly abused as a child to be binded by shame, but abuse does intensify the extent of your self-constraint.

In order for you to know for sure if you were raised in a home that generates toxic shame, I'm going to read some unspoken household rules. This is a set of rules that the psychologist, Alice Miller, listed in her book "For Your Own Good". After years of experience, she found that these rules seemed to be commonly applied in homes that produced adults having socialization issues, among other problems. She calls these rules "The Poisonous Pedagogy":

1. Adults are the masters of the dependent child.

2. They determine in God-like fashion what is right and what is wrong.

3. The child is held responsible for the parents' anger.

4. The parents must always be shielded.

5. The child's life-affirming feelings pose a threat to the autocratic adult.

6. The child's will must "be broken" as soon as possible.

7. All this must happen at a very early age so that the child won't notice and therefore will not be able to expose the adult.

These rules break the child's will before they can even form memories. They create an environment that excuses abuse, isolation, and withdrawal of love. If you're still not sure whether or not your family home fits into this mold, it can help to contrast them with the rules that are generally followed in healthy households.

1. The child's aggressive impulses can be neutralized because they do not threaten the parent. (This is done by the parent showing understanding for the child's feelings).

2. The child's striving for autonomy (self-expression and independence) is not perceived as a threat to the parent.

3. The child is allowed to experience and express ordinary impulses, such as jealousy, rage, sexuality, defiance, because the parents have not disowned these feelings in themselves.

4. The child does not have to please the parent and can develop their own needs at their own developmental pace. (This means they are allowed to make mistakes.)

5. The child can depend on and use his parents because they are separate from him. (The child feels trusted to go the the parent with their problems.)

6. The parent's independence and good boundaries allow the child to separate self and objects. (The child begins to know who they are in relation to the world).

7. Because the child is allowed to display ambivalent feelings, he can learn to regard himself and and the caregiver as "both good and bad", rather than splitting off certain parts as good and splitting them from the bad.

8. The beginning of unconditional love is possible because the parent's love the child as a being unique and separate from themselves.

The rules of The Poisonous Pedagogy shame the child from expressing their natural emotions. This breaks the child's Will and they become restricted in their actions. They create a perfect shell of what they believe the world wants them to be, in order to be loved.

This unconsciously continues into adulthood. Exhaustion is the outcome of maintaining the perfect shell needed to interact with people, which is almost always. This is why people that are binded by shame need to have a lot of time alone.

For adults that get easily exhausted from interaction, alcohol is the go-to answer. It lowers inhibitions. It allows them to express themselves in ways in which they would not normally allow themselves to be expressed while sober; but because they have disowned these parts of themselves, when they come out they are unleashed beyond control.

A serious person might become quite playful. But then they may find that they become a little too playful and end up crossing a line and hurting someone's feelings.

An avoidant person might become a little more aggressive. But again, because they have never owned this part of themselves, they will find that they lack the control needed to express their anger in healthy ways and may end up starting a fight.

Dr. Bradshaw believes that this is why alcohol is so attractive to shame-bound people. Everyone needs interaction, and it allows them to interact without feeling bad if they slip up and show a different side of themselves.

A lot of times the restrictive parents were also heavy alcohol drinkers. Either that, or they had some other type of addiction. Parents that are shame-bound raise children that are shame-bound.  All people that carry toxic shame have at least one addiction. Addictions help us to mood-alter. They distract us from the gnawing reminder that we are not whole as a person.

Anything can become an addiction; food, work, sex/porn, doom-scrolling, cleaning, love, power, or even a person. People that are not shame-bound do not become addicts.

Ironically, even though people lean on their addictions to help them socialize, becoming free of addiction is the first step to healing toxic shame.

Healing toxic shame is the only way a person will ever experience the true unfolding of their unique essence as a person. Once a person becomes able to represent their authentic selves in every space, the social exhaustion and generalized exhaustion go away on their own. All interactions with people go a lot more smoothly.

Having boundaries is key to having healthy relationships, and shame-bound people don't have healthy boundaries. This is because they are not in touch with their feelings. If you don't know what you're feeling, how can you know if someone is doing something that bothers you? It usually isn't until later when they've had some time alone to reflect, that they realize someone has crossed a line. This either creates resentment, or they end up bringing it up to the person way after the incident has happened, which creates an awkward situation.

A person healed from shame is able to reach deeper levels of intimacy with the people in their lives. This is because up until this point, people have only been exposed to the mask of perfectionism. A shame-bound person can't really be intimate with anyone because they are not presenting their real selves in any interaction.

Healing shame should be a high priority. It helps you figure out who you really are. Once you have an awareness of your feelings, you start to realize your own unique interests; what you like and what you dislike. Without addictions, you suddenly find yourself with all of this free time to develop new hobbies and skills. You no longer crave addictions because you are able to fulfill your intimacy needs, since you finally feel seen and accepted as you really are.

Overcoming addictions is only the beginning of undoing toxic shame. I highly recommend the book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You", by Dr. John Bradshaw. In this book, he provides an outline steps that can help to fully realize your true self.

Shadow work can help with this as well. I have a guided program to shadow work using the Tarot. For more information, click here.

Hating socialization doesn't always mean someone is an introvert. I think if you dislike interaction, but you find that you also crave interaction, it's a sign that you could be carrying toxic shame. Question if maybe you've really just been living up to a family role. Only then can you find out who we really are. I think it's one of the most profound journeys a person can take. "Who am I?" and "What is my purpose?" seem to be the burning questions on everyone's tongues. Maybe finding the answer to those questions begins with releasing ourselves from our binds.